i`m leaving in three hours &
i`m shaking soooo bad.
i`ve never been so scared/
nervous/anxious.

oh crap!

(i`ll probably fail & come home
in like a week. hahaha)

my girls better take care.

i`ve hated every relationshit i have ever been in. maybe 
i`m just really not cut out to be a girlfriend/ significant other. 
i like cuddling & smoochies, but when it comes right down
 to it, i don`t give anyone a chance. i don`t mean for things
to turn out the way they do, but i can`t help how i feel. before
i even get the chance to figure out if i could eventually
develope further feelings for someone, they have already 
claimed to have fallen in love with me. i`m  not talking about o
ne person in general. i`m talking about EVERY guy i have talked 
to/dated in the past two years.

i`m sick of people claiming they`re in love with me.
i`m sick of proposals.

to be honest: i`m not that great.

i hate doing laundry so i let it pile up in the corner of my
room. i shit EVERY DAY. i think burping is gross. my toe
nails are like eagle tallons because i am too lazy to clip
them myself. i love country music.i hate wearing socks
so my feet always smell like a dead octopus.

i don`t want to be married for a very long time.
& even so, i refuse to marry anyone i am associated
with right now.

i just want a casual relationship where we actually like
eachother. i don`t want to move fast. i want to be together
for a bunch of time before I LOVE YOUs come spilling out
& i don`t wan`t it to happen on some random night where
you get intoxicated with your friends & you spew out "I
f-ing love you." i don`t wan`t you to say something like
"i wan`t to tell you something, but i`m scared" through a
text message. i don`t want you to look "deep into my eyes"
& say it. i don`t want any mushy b/s like that.

i just wan`t it to be genuine.
it doesn`t even have to be said.
i just wan`t someone`s actions to speak louder than words
for once. i don`t want to be told that i`m loved. i wan`t to feel
loved. anyone can say someone. i know this because i
have done it plenty of times to people & now i know what
it feels like. you feel betrayal because if the person loved you,
they wouldn`t have to ever say sorry because they would
never have to think twice about doing something to mess
your relationship up.

i`m rambling.
i`ve never been lied to like this by someone i cared about so
much. this kid is one of my good friends, but how can you be
friends with someone when you know they wronged you as
a significant other? it`s so hard, but i wan`t our friendship to
work out so badly.


on another note. a long time ago, someone told me that they
loved me & without even thinking i said it back. not just a
friendly i love you. it was one of those "head over heels"
types of loves & i felt caught in the moment.

if you love someone, you would do ANYTHING for them.
& i know that. i loved someone so much once that i would
have given up my life to be with them. he`s not that person.
how do i fix something like that?

ohhhhhh man, sleep.

Quickie:
Your positive energy is contagious and will help you see the bright side of things.

Overview:
You need relationships in your life that are built on honesty, kindness and trust. So why are you settling for situations that are far from what you actually require or desire? Be honest with yourself.

.....................

everyone gets it but me.

i ` d  r e a l l y  l i k e  t o  g o  t o  t h e  c i t y.

we were kids then. you`re still one of my favorites. we just had to grow up sometime & realize that there is no such thing as perfection & most good things don`t last, but i think you will find that perfection that you`re looking for someday. you`ve got so much time to get out & discover what`s beyond the tiny community you`re living in. love you always.

i miss taking pictures of everything.

i had a dream that i got framed for killing biggie smalls.

i will never marry a boy that snores. if he does then we will
each have our own bedroom. i`m tired of sticking my fingers
up peoples nostrils. i guess if i took ambian then
it wouldn`t matter as much.</br>

insomnia.

robots, dude.
i wish stacey & heather were in this.

recently: crazy.
im indecisive as usual, but im sure of one thing...
just kidding.

cmills came home.
aw.
SHIT SON!

& ummm... heather & i are roadtripping tomorrow which will be the shit.

xo